Smiles
by The-one-of-dead-eyes
Summary: Italy ( Feliciano ) is sick of all the smiles , sick of others and extremely sick of himself . Warnings : trigger , self harm , ( but NOT suicidle , Gerita , a bit of Yaoi , depression and slight anorexia/ not eating properly.


Feliciano was sick of the smiles . Sick of how people looked at him ; like he was a disappointment , unnecessary. And he was .

~ 10:00 , world meeting starts 13:45 ( 1:45 pm ) ~

Another meeting . Perfect . He looked at himself in his bathroom mirror, the disappointment that stared back at him was clear . His descusting red/brown hair was the first thing he noticed . He grabed a lock of it and tugged . The sting that greeted him is something he relished, not only was it painful that he deserves , it made him feel real . However , it just brought back the fact this wasn't a dream in his mind , it was real . He had to go see others , he had to smile , he had to act like a stupid nusence . He started acting like that long ago , and if he just showed up like ' hey , I have depression, sometimes suisidle , and cut ' , everyone would think it was a resent change . Everyone would fain worry and that would stab him in the heart more . He tightly cluched the locks of hair in his left hand , and watched as it limply fell to the bathroom tiles , littering them with their horrid color . Italy tsked , thinking that it was similar to him , falling , with no purpose or care for the inevitable crash to the unforgiving ground .

Another look told him of his eyes , as he looked southward of his hair . Dull . Dull was the only word to describe the stail honey color that greeted him . He hated his eyes . They were nothing like Germanys or Spain's , eyes that pop out at you beautifully . No his eyes were a question to all , that's why he sqinted all the time , he was pretty sure it was causeing his sight to worsen . His eyes traveled down yet again , to his arms . The accursed arms .

Cuts were litterd his arms up to his shoulders. He also had a few scars on his thighs although it didn't take him long to find that area wasn't as satisfactory as his arms . They were much more sensitive . He smiled a twisted smile . A broken smile . He didn't quite remember how he acquired such a ... necessary entertainment . And like any other entertainment he had a favorite ' character ' ; though in this sense by ' character ' turns into ' spot ' . His shoulders were his favorite spot . Unlike the other places he felt the cuts on his shoulders much more . Every time he breathed and moves his shoulders , the feeling come back . It would stop him from falling for a short time , because when he cut , he felt real , he felt some - however small - purpose . It was like a gift that helped him feel sain for a small time . As if he was alive , even though he died long ago .

He looked down at his chest , hairless as ever . He laughed humorlessly at himself . How could he ever call himself a man if he was so soft .then his mind slipped to Germany. Germany was the very definition of manly . Huge muscles , calused hands , cool eyes . Everything Italy wanted to be . He felt himself shiver as he thought of the muscular German holding him . Germany would always hug him when they met , of course it always worried Italy slightly as he may feel his bandages , or worse , Italy may filch at the contact of a cut . He could hold up the act around anyone . Anyone but Germany . Germany had always trusted and had a little faith in him , it made him feel the same thing the only felt when cutting . A little joy . Goodness he was pathetic !

He groped for his knife , finding it he pressed the cold blade -slightly stained red - to his arm by his elbow . Goosebumps formed on his slightly fair skin , but before he had the chance to give into his desire, the door to his room opened . Luckily he was in the attached bathroom and had the door locked .

" Italy , were are you ?" Shit . Germany . He dropped his knife , causeing a slight ruckus, alerting the German .

The knob giggled

A fist pounded on the door

He was pretty sure his name was called

However , he was trying to put light back in his eyes , achieve that fake voice -his was just as low as Romano's - , and frantically ripping his jacket off the floor and putting it on . At least he was good at one thing ; acting . As he buttoned up his jacket he found the right frequency and octave and called back .

" Ve~ ," That stupid tick of his was real though " I'm just gitting ready Luddy , I'll be right out ."

He opened the door to a slightly worried looking German .

"I called your name down stairs but you didn't anwser , and when I can in here and called for you , you still didn't answer . What's wrong with you today? "

' Everything is wrong Germany ' Italy thought ' you just don't see it , not that you would care . In fact I think it would make you rather happy if I died . The new personification would probably make you happier in one minute than I ever will .' Of course he didn't say that , in stead he rebuttaled with something else .

" No I was just half a sleep Germany , in fact , I still am . You should carry me down stairs ~!" In truth he was to physically tired to walk much. that combined with the blood loss from last night gave him a slight light headed feeling .

!

~(11:57)~

Germany sighed , but complied all the same . As he picked Italy up , he noticed that he was a lot lighter than he remembered . It scared him a bit , for he cared for Italy . More than he would confess . As he walked down the stairs , the slight jolts of vibrations from the steps told him something else unsettling .Italy was being carried bridle style in his arms . Italy's arms wrapped around his shoulder and neck . However , Italy's ribs were against his forarm . That's how he felt it .

Ribs .

That's all he felt . Italy was always swallowed by his clothes, but this was different , he knew that the first sight of the other . Now he had an anwser . Italys ribs jutted out , and that was only feeling , how bad did it look ? What was Italy like this ?

He hadent seen Italy for months . However , he refused to believe the other has malnourished himself on purpose. That gave him the idea of what to do next .The world meeting didn't start for a few hours and it was in Italy , near said personification home .

" ... Hey Italy ? How about we go out to eat?"

there was a slight emotion that dulled Italy's eyes . However it was only for a split second, that Germany questioned if he realy ever saw it in the first place .

!

'Shit shit shit shit shit ! I should never of asked for him to carry me ! I can feel my ribs rubb his arm ! Damn it all to Hell !' Italy thought . As they reached the last step , Germany didn't stop but asked a question . That question nearly gave Italy a heart attack .

" ... Hey Italy ? How about we go out to eat?"

Fuck! He knows ! His mind went into a panic , and by the way Germany looked at him , he failed to hide it . He immediately went back into his derpy display that he had become accustomed to transitioning to on a moments notice . He couldn't go out just yet , be around people just yet . Hell being with Germany alone was stressful enough . It made his arms ack for the sting and contempt feeling of cutting . He could feel his eyes sparkle at the thought of crimson liquid flowing out of his being . Yes that's wha- . No , no Germany was here , he couldn't do that for a while . But there was still the issue of going out . That's when it hit him. The solution was so obvious!

" Ne~ Germany , how's about I make some special pasta for just the two of us ~ ." He suggested , hoping his façade was strong enough to be accepted .

Germany was not completely satisfied to the first glance , however , the more he thought of Italy making him lunch was a pleasing idea .

!

It was about this time they both realized that He was still holding Italy . Thus , Germany awkwardly settled Italy on his feet . Italy pressed a kiss to His cheek before scurrying off into the kitchen . Germany turned around to face the couch and headed toward it . As he sat down the soft fabric cradled his large figure . He pealed off one of his leather gloves and petted the material . He loved Italys furniture, the stiching and fabric came together to , frankly , make a beautiful collection of living sets and beds . He laid his head back he lulled off into sleep without realizing . There was one thing about the atmosphere around , not only the personification , but the peninsula land mass it's self that calmed him oddly enough .

!

Italy peeked around the corner as he heard the sound of Germany's soft snoring . He immediately droped the light in his eyes , the pep in his step , the joyful air around him . Casting the fake actions aside , he headed back into the kitchen. He then walked over to the counter , pulling a kitchen knife out of its hiding place in a draw . He shuffled though the draw of cooking utensils until he found a knife perfect for what he had in mind . The knife was rough in texture , sure to cause even more pain than his pocket knife that he usualy uses .

"Now to make up for what Germany stopped me from doing this morning ."He smiled deranged as he put the blade to his arm . A random spot realy , he was going to run over another cut , he arm was just to filled to not . No longer worrying about pasta sense it was already done and ready to eat .

!

~(12:10)~

Germany jolted awake after realizing he drifted off , even if he liked what happend in his dreams . Once he could control himself as a fully awake being , the smell of warm food reached his nose . Italy , by the smell of tomato sauce and pasta , had made a classic dish . He found himself smiling at the thought of eating with Italy , just the two of them , it was a contempt thought .

Dragging himself out of the lush couch , he made his way to the kitchen . Before he could , however , he heard something quite odd .

" Now to make up for what Germany stopped me from doing this morning . "

Germany stopped outside the door , curiosity over coming him . He wanted to find out what Italy was doing , and why he couldn't know about it . Also , Italys voice sounded different , lower like His brothers . He heard a hiss and a happy sigh . This only confused him further raising more questions .

"That's one ..." Italy said from the room .

Another sigh .

"More ... More ... I'm so pathetic... I'm worthless . Im stupid . Im a fuck up !" Italy was now screaming , probably with out realizing it . Pathetic ... Worthless ... Stupid ? Fuck up ? No not Italy , Italy was every bit different, oh so different! He couldnt let him think of himself that way ! With that thought in mind , he rounded the corner .

What he saw killed him inside .

There was Italy - sitting on his knees - , shirtless , knife in hand ... and a pool of blood at his knees . A smile on his face , hair in his eyes - wich he was pretty sure were open because they were reflecting light - , laughing . Italy must not have heard him come in , to far gone in his own thoughts to notice or care , either one . He was right . His ribs jutted out in sight like he imagined . He instantly started looking for the source of blood , Italy must have ... Slipped or something . With everything he heard , he still refused to believe the obvious , that Italy did this to himself . However as he scanned the others frame , the truth became clear . Scares and cuts covered the small Italians arms up to his shoulders.

Germany felt his heart sink as Italy turned to him , fear aparent in his expression .

!

The glorious sinsation of being real filled his body as Italy sawed away at his arm . As he was about to bring the knife down again he heard stumbling . He froze . He waited . Nothing , just his imagination, though he should stop before Germany wakes up . Looking down he noticed just how much of his blood he spilt . Quit a lot , though he didn't deserve the vital fluid . He didn't deseeve life , and he was told that on many occasions . He turned to get up when he realized he wasn't alone in the room .

He saw Germanys face , one full of fained consern , but underneath that he found the true emotions hidden within . Horror and disgust .

Well shit

Germany knew now . To his slight surprise , he frankly didn't give a fuck . That shouldn't surprise him , he hasn't cared about much for such a long time ; but , if there was one thing that he cared for it was no one finding out bout his ... habit . Sure he wanted to die , but he was still a religious man , and dodnt want to go to Hell , just proving his selfishness further . He chooses to go to heven over other people's happiness . So , instead of being suicidle , he cut . He cut so he wouldn't die , he cut to feel alive , he cut to see the beautiful red syrup flow out of him to the floor , he cut for hope .

Now he couldn't have any hope . Germany would finally show the slightest interest in his well being , and in turn take away the thing that kept him the slightest much sane .

However , much to his shock , Germany droped to his knees ... And cried ... He was crying for him . N-no , t-that must be fake . He wasn't _really _crying , the tears must be fake , that or he was crying for himself , or they were tears of joy . Joy that Italy was realy pathetic, that he had wounds , that he was suffering quietly .

!

~(12:58)~

Germany warped his arms around him , until he felt blood from Italys wrist seep though his shirt , onto his skin from Italy trying to push him back . At this , he snaps out of his saddened trance and , easily over powering Italy , drags him to the sink . He turns on the tap to warm and starts rinsing his wounds , his own tears mixing into the water .

!

Italy winced at the sting of the water , with so many man made chemicals in tap water it wasn't good for helping any type of wound feel better . However , Germany rubbed the drying blood off his arm and hands so gently .

...Why...

!

He then grabbed some gauze from Italy pantry closet and wrapped his cuts .

!

... You're really crying ... You're taking care of me ...

Why

!

He then dragged a limp , unresponsive Italy into the living room , and sat him on the couch . Italy sat there with his hands in his lap staring ahead / into space / as if in thought . Germany plopped down next to Italy and wrapped one of his arms around the back of the others shoulders , and with the other arm , the front of his waist ; holding Italys right hand . It was when Italys cool hand was captured in his warm one , did Italy respond to his constant questioning .

!

" ve~ G-Germany ?!" He said in his natural tone , he turned to face Germany with his body ; placing his hands on his pectorals , and his head between them . He did something next that he thought himself incapable of . He cryed . It started out as a small tear , but it quickly opened the food gates for hot , giant , bitter tears to spill from honey amber irises . Germany then wrapped his arms around his slinder frame ; rocking him back and forth like a child .

_' like a child . Yes like a child because that's all I am . I'm a child that can't stand on its own , so immature and greedy . ' _Italy lectured himself and 'tsk'ed .

" Why don't you just say it ... Lecture me like everyone else . "

!

" Why don't you just say it ... Lecture me like everyone else . " Once thous words escaped Italys lips Germany froze , not knowing what he ment by it .

" Say what ... " he asked , voice cracking as he tried not to think about what just happened ; what he saw ; not to look down .

" How selfish I am for doing this . "

Germany's breath cought in his throught .

" ... I don't think you're selfish Feli ... I just don't want you to hurt yourself ; I don't want you to ... To kill yourself . " He could barely say the last part . So he wishpersd it into Italys hair . However. Italy heard it clearly ; he grabed Germanys shirt tighter , balling his hands into tightly fists .

!

" I'm NOT going to kill my self , I'm not suicidle ! " Italy yelled into Germanys chest ; squeezeing his eyes shut , ready for a hit , or a grab , any punishment coming his way . However , no of that ever came , instead Germany got up , squatted in front of him , held his hands and asked :

" Then why this ...?" as he pulled Italys hands close to his chest exposing his bandages .

!

" So I don't Kill myself and be labeled as the most selfish nation , even though it would bring joy to many . " was his answer . He was shocked , it wouldn't bring happiness , well to him at least ...

" How can I fix this , how can I help ? " Germany asked a little desperately . Italys beautiful honey eyes dulled into the stail shade as when he found him cutting .

" you can't help , even if you try . You'll give up eventually once you learn I can't be saved , that I'm a lost cause . " Italy mumbled , staring at nothing . Italy started tugging at his bandaging , and before he could stop him , Italys bandages were hanging off the side of the couch , and laying like ribbons on the wood floor . Italy , scratching at irritated skin , smiled . Germany quickly snatched Italys hands , pulling his arms forward . He brought his arms up to his lips , and delicately pressed the scares to them .

!

Italys trance was broke by a soft , tickling sensation to his wrists . odd , he only ever cut himself sharply there . How long was it sence he cut ? ... How long was it sence he felt any soft touch .

It ... Hurt , but it felt ... Good . It was like when he first started cutting . When it was a choice , not a need .

He realized this is what he wanted all along as the touch moved from an old scar to a fresh wound . He leaned into the touch ; and as he did so noticed who was comforting him - having lost all train of thought - .

Germany

!

~(14:39)~(2:39)~

Well , they were definitely not going to the meeting . Hell , the moment he found Italy covered in his own blood they weren't going to the meeting .

He looked up to Italy after kissing a fresh wound , hoping he was out of his daze . He found Italy blushing slightly with a sad/concerned look to his face . He immediately took Italy face in his hands ; bringing their eyes to meet . Italy started crying , weting his hands . Italy flung himself into the crook of Germany's neck , holding him close . Germany visibly flinched at the feeling of Italys cuts on the skin of his neck . Italy's arms were rough with scabs . He bit his lip and held the other tightly , whispering in Italys ear reasuring nothings .

Germany picked Italy up , and by instinct Italy wrapped his legs around Germanys waist . This caused Germany to falter slightly , but kept true ; bringing Italy into the Guest room on the second floor - As his bedroom door was locked and on the second floor too - . On the way up the stairs Italy fell asleep in his arms . Thus he started slipping, so Germany desperately started to try and get Italy back up to as he wouldn't hit the ground . He soon found the only option was to grab Italys butt to successfully keep him stable . He lightly blushed until thay got to the door ; upon opening the door the smell of alcohol and cigarettes smoke Bombarded his nose . Italy shifted in his arms but made no other indication that he was awake so Germany ventured further into the room . The bed had been replaced buy a simple couch with a counter on the opposite wall . Behind he counter was a cabinet with veriuse alcohols on the shelves in a make-shift bar scene , complete with two bar stools .

He cringed slightly , he now knew why Italys scars weren't healed yet . As a personification of a nation they naturally had high HP and fast healing powers . However , by consuming human pleasure poisons , like alcohol and tobacco , healers slow to that almost as slow as a humans . Thus they basicly turned into humans with long exposure to these substances . Luckily , if they stayed away from them for about a mounth , or sometime it took longer , they completely recovered .

" Italy , what have you done to your self ...?" He asked out loud , setting Italy down on the couch ; and headed to the 'bar' to clean it out and start a plan on getting Italy out of his habit , but not before placing a warm blanket over Italys bare chest . There was something that made him think a drunk Italy was a scary Italy .

!

The moment the guest room door opened , Italy woke up but decided to fain sleep as to not be bombarded with more questions right now . He already had his limit of that for today , and possibly tomorrow too . He wanted to drink right now . He wasn't an alcoholic , he expesaly wasn't as addicted to that as he was cutting - same for smoking - . He felt Germanys hand on his ass ... and he had to admit he enjoyed it . But he might still be a little hungover from last nights one-man-drinking-game . Last night was the first drink in almost two months , but he had smoked for a while a few weeks ago so his HP levels wasn't up .

He felt the fabric of his simple couch dip under him and Germanys heat leave him ; and he heard the springs strain underneath even his light weight as Germany asked a question his dazed mind couldn't completly make out the words to . He was losing his English in his dream hazed mind .However , he could make out the feel of a nice blanket placed over his bare chest , it was comforting . Then he heard the clanking of glass ; oh hell no , he is NOT taking my boze away . With that thought Italy slowly got up . The sensation of air hitting his cuts was freeing , yet shy all the same . He made his way over to Germany - his back being turned - , picked up one of the bottles he set out to take away , poped it open and drank straight from the bottle .

!

Germany turned around having heard the slight ruckus of glass sliding across a mildly rough wood counter top . Italy was there , siting at one of two stools that sat on the opposite side of the counter as the alcohol shelves . He was downing whiskey- only half the bottle was left when he started cleaning out th collection- that was now a few sips from being draned. Germany didn't know what to do so he just stood there like a fool . However , before Italy could finish the bottle , he sat it down on the counter , already swaying ever so lightly one may question themselfs if he was at all . However , Germny having keen senses , could tell . He snacked the bottle up , not stealing for anymore alcohol to be drank that night .

" Ne~ but Germany ~ ," Italy laughed - 'Yes Italians have no ability to be even slightly intolerant of alcohol can they , ' Germany thought . - " I want moar ." He slurred .

"Nein, not tonight . I'll have to wean you off it ."

" Why are you even here , and gimme my stuff . "

"Italy you're not making any sense as you are obviously drunk . And I'm here to help and- hey Italy , no put the vodka down ! " Italy pouted and shook his head , clutching the large bottle to his chest .

" no . "

" yes !"

" no !"

" We're fighting like children , now Italy what do I have to do to keep you away from this stuff ?" He asked desperately.

" ... Kiss them ... "

" K-kiss what Italy . " Germany blushed slightly at 'kiss' , but remembered that Italy was pretty drunk and wouldn't recall this in the morning . However , he still turned around to hid his blush . Bad idea .

!

~(17: 09)~(5:09)~

" We're fighting like children , now Italy what do I have to do to keep you away from this stuff ?" Germany asked him . In his drunken mind he did ask of Germany something he probably never would out loud .

" ... Kiss them ... " He said bringing his arms closer to him . Germany didn't notice however because he turned around for some reason . Bad Idea , for when he turned around Italy quickly - because everyone is an expert in alcohol when thet are drunk - opened the bottle of vodka and took a few burning gulps . they cold liquid ironically burned and stung his insides .

" K-kiss what Italy . "

He only belched in response before adding words .

" My cuts . "

Germany spun around and looked at him with a blurred expresion as he took a few sips from the bottle .

!

When he heard Italy burp he cursed at himself for turning around .

" My cuts . "

He stoped and turned around slowly . Italy was hunched over the bar taking large sips , that weren't completly gulps , out of the bottle . Italy was looking him in the eye a little bit worried judging by his expression anyway . Kiss his cuts , that's all he needed to do ? Something so simple could help confused him . But as Italy put the bottle down , he could see the plea in his eyes . Italy was already drunk , but maybe he could stop him from drinking more and passing out .

He placed the last bottle of the strong stuff in a garbage bag , but he left the wine thinking it couldn't realy do much , and he also thought Italy would appreciate it . Well , weaning someone off something wasn't as easy as keeping them away from it right then and there . You had to slowly take it away . His heart broke for about the second time that day , or was it five , as he realized cutting would have the same compromise . He would have to see Italy with new cuts for awhile . However , he was determined to get Italy over this rut , whatever it was that caused this . He , however curious , wouldn't ask that today , he had a feeling Italy was done with questions right now . So instead he rounded the corner of the counter and grasped Italys hands in his .

He pulled his right arm up and kissed down From the wrist to the elbow . He then did the same with the left arm , from the wrist to the elbow . He looked down at Italys face that had a few tears sliding down his cheeks to fall off his chin . He pulled him into a comforting embrace and told him that was ok , told him to let it out . As Italy cried they slid down to the floor with Italy sitting in Germanys lap , his head on his shoulder , crying his eyes out with tears that should have been shed long ago . And Germany held him like that for about an hour until the other calmed down enough to talk .

"...Ita- "

"...Germa- "

" Go ahead Italy . "

" c-can you kiss me again . " Germany smiled at Italy , taking the others elbiw in his arm and kissed up to his shoulder . Italy whimpered as he kissed his shoulder , leaning into the touch .

" Germany , please don't hate me . " Italy nearly whispered . Germany was shocked , frozen in place , hovering above Italys shoulder . Italy took his face in his hands and looked at him . " please ."

"I would never hate you , I couldn't . " Italy smiled finding the answer satisfactory , well under the influence of alcohol anyway . He left himself fall Into Germanys chest with a sigh . " I'm sweepy ~" Italy yawned .

" Your bedroom door is locked , Italy . I can't take you to bed until you tell me were the key is ."

" It's under the couch cushion ." Italy said lazily raising a scabbed arm to point to the couch . Germany looked away for a second before Italy said Something else . " ...And don't call me Italy , call me Feli . " Germany was shocked for a split second , calling a nation by their human name was personal enough . That represented a strong bound between the two . However , calling a nation a nickname version of their human name ... the others would think them lovers ! Of course Italy called him Luddy , but only sometime when it was just the two of them .

but he couldn't say no to Italy !

but

but

but

"...okay , I will ... Feli . "

" Yay ! Germany likes me . I'll always call you Luddy okay! u "

" ... "

" ... I love luddy ... " Italy whispered and closed his eyes falling , but hopefully into a good dream not a dark void .

Germany gently got up , with Italy of course , and made his way over to the couch . He noticed that , unlike him , Italy didn't snore but would ve~ in his sleep . It was kinda cute . He pulled up the middle cushion with no luck , he pulled up the side cushion closest to the door to find a dark-ish blue key . Pocketing it he took it , along with Italy of corse , to the bedroom . He stuck the key in the door . Well tried to . It wouldn't fit . Perplexed, Germany went back to the geust room . Sure enough under the last cushion was a gold key .

Once he opened Italys door , he gently layed him down on his bed after lifting up the covers . Germany was strong , but he could only walk around and do tasks whilst carrying a body at the same time . He took his his shirt off and climbed into bed with Italy too . He wanted to be by Italys side all day tomarrow. It was a long day and he didn't want to sleep on the couch either . Italy was cute asleep , and he wasn't acting then . Germany pulled the comforter down slightly , exposing Italys arm fully . He traced the long cuts delicately with his fingertips . They were in a random pattern, some horizontal, most virtical, and a few diagonal . He cringed knowing that a virtical cut couldnt be stitched up . Pushing these thoughts aside he pulled the other close to his chest and fell into the lure of sleep with the sounds of bugs outside and Italys soft breath .

!

~(6:39)~

The next morning when Italy woke up he instantly felt fwo things ; one , his head was killing him , funny , he didn't remeber drinking last night ... The next thing he realized was the empty feeling inside him . He didn't feel like getting out of bed to temporarily fix his problem , no he felt like one move , one step out of bed would cause him to fuck up yet again and make everything worse . Make everyones life worse . After a while , he noticed something else too , the bed was warmer than usual . He turned to find Germany peacefully sleeping beside him .

He scoted closer leaning his head on the others chest . He felt Hermanys muscles as he breathed causing him to reech at himself for not following though with training . He was just to feminine to every be muscular , not to mention pull it off . He leaned closer to Germany , Germany had persuaded him just enough to try to get though this . Might as well start today .

**_Ok , so if you want me to do an after story I will ~ _**

**_i think the story explains its self , so I'm not going to elaborate . I hope you enjoyed it or found some satisfaction for a not-so-happy story ._**

**_love you dead ones ㈏5_**


End file.
